RSVP etiquette: asking for a reply and counting children

Replies are the least pleasant part of organising anything: you need a number by a date, and some of your guests are still “going to see”. A few simple habits change a great deal about how people respond.

Set a deadline and say why

“Please reply by 1 August, because that is when we give the restaurant the final number” works better than “kindly confirm in good time”. Choose a deadline two to three weeks before the date the venue asks for, so you have time for the latecomers.

Invite households, not individuals

An invitation goes to a family, and the reply comes for the whole house: how many adults, how many children. Write clearly whom you are inviting — “The Ionescu family” or “Maria and a guest” — so nobody has to guess whether they may bring someone.

Children are counted, not named

For planning you need just one thing about children: how many there are, so you know how many chairs, children’s menus and perhaps entertainers you need. You do not need their names or ages, so do not ask for them and do not put them in lists that circulate among suppliers.

If the party is for adults only, say so in the invitation, gently and without ambiguity: “We would love this to be an evening for grown-ups.” It is far kinder than an explanation given by phone a week before.

One reminder, not five

One reminder a few days before the deadline is natural. After the deadline, ring — a short call settles in two minutes what three messages did not. Until then, whoever has not replied stays recorded as “no reply”: neither “coming” nor “not coming”. The venue receives the number of those who are certain, with an agreed margin.

If you are the guest

• Reply by the deadline, even if the answer is no. A refusal given in time is a favour to your host.
• Do not add people who are not on the invitation. Ask first.
• If something changes, say so at once, not on the day.
• Mention any dietary restriction from the start; a kitchen needs days, not hours.

A reply is not a formality; it is a figure on which an order, a table and a budget depend.